Deadliest Weapon - Baseball bat or Hockey stick ?

I was watching the much acclaimed Bollywood movie - Rajneeti on television and was pleasantly surprised when in one of the scenes Arjun Rampal picked up a baseball bat to kill a police officer.This got me thinking....whatever happened to the good old hockey stick ? The favorite weapon of our Hindi film bad guys or rather...of their hired goons who would invariably always arrive on the scene in Maruti Omnis.

Now, being a fan of the TV show - Deadliest Warrior, my mind at once began evaluating the deadliness of the baseball bat as compared to the hockey stick. I began speculating which of the two would serve as a better weapon in a fight. Would the desi hockey stick - the weapon of choice of Hindi movie goondas come up trumps over the American baseball bat, which is wielded so effectively by the American mafia as shown in Hollywood gangster flicks?

 

 

Unlike in 'Deadliest Warrior', where the presenters have access to field experts, sophisticated technology (slow-motion video cameras, sensors), medical experts and not to forget the crash test dummies and pig carcasses, I had access to nothing at all (not even the baseball bat or the hockey stick). So instead of giving up on this 'evaluation' exercise altogether, I persisted with the stubbornness of  a mule. However, unlike that beast of burden which works its ass off (pun intended), I decided to adopt a less physically demanding approach. In essence this involved me, relaxing on a chair sipping on a cup of  thick chicken soup and employing my 'little grey cells' (as Hercule Poirot would say) to arrive at a decision.

Now, while the baseball bat does seem heavier, in some situations the hockey stick would prove more effective due to its curved J-shaped structure. For instance, the J-shaped end of the stick can be easily used to block attacks from the opponent and even disarm him of any weapon. Why ? Just have a look at the resemblance that the hockey stick shares with the Chinese hooked sword.

 

Also I feel the hockey stick...and now don't laugh..... can in some way even be cleverly disguised as a walking stick. This brings in the element of stealth. Now just imagine this scene - 

A weary old man heading home from the market. He uses a hockey stick as his walking stick and decides to take a shortcut home, which happens to be a deserted path. Unknown to him, hiding in the bushes is a petty thief looking to make quick buck. He spots the old man walking on the road and with no one about the thief decides to seize the opportunity. The thief brandishing an ordinary club grunts, "Give me all you money old man and I'll let you live". The old man remains calm and to the thief's surprise, smiles saying, "Now go along home son, I shan't be giving you anything". The thief, now offended by the old man's reply leans forward to strike. However, before the thief can make his move, the old man, unknown to the thief as being a master of the art of hockey stick fighting, strikes the thief on his legs using the base of the hockey stick throwing the thief off-balance. He then completes his move by spinning the hockey stick around and using the J-shaped end to disarm the thief . The thief never suspected anything. At the end of it all, the old man walks away, with his money jingling in his pockets, while the thief is left with a damaged leg and and even worse - a damaged reputation.

To conclude another post which ended up becoming much larger than I imagined, I would say that the hockey stick has an edge over the baseball bat. While the baseball bat can do some heavy damage due to its weight and size, in a real fight it all boils down to the fighter's skill. With its unique J-shape and lighter body structure, the hockey stick allows its wielder to use a wide variety of moves which a baseball bat can't. In short, the hockey stick is superior as it is a thinking man's weapon, while the baseball bat is a weapon of brutes. 

Found this post interesting ? Then check out this interesting video comparing an Ice Hockey stick with the Baseball bat on Stick vs. Bat

Buying sauce

“Go get some Ching’s Red Chilli Sauce today…and don’t get any other sauce!” were the clear instructions given to me by my brother this afternoon. So…being the obedient brother that I am, in the evening I headed for my friendly neighborhood mini-shopping centre (hmmm…doesn’t quite have the same effect as ‘friendly neighborhood Spiderman’ does it?). Anyways, after walking the long and arduous journey from my house to the store in…….5 minutes, I headed straight for the ‘Edible Items’ aisle after I had grabbed the little red plastic shopping basket.

I sighted the target and immediately proceeded to procure it from the shelf with a speed that would have rivaled that of a contestant on ‘The Crystal Maze’. After having successfully placed the bottle vertically in the basket, I decided to indulge myself and glance at some of the other neighboring sauces. I must admit to this date I am absolutely fascinated with the large variety of sauces that are offered for sale at these stores. It’s just amazing to see shelves, filled end-to-end with sauces ranging from the oft-seen Soya to the not-so oft-seen Sriracha sauce.

Mind you, these were just the Asian sauces because then you have the assortment of European sauces too, like – ragout, green pesto and pomodoro. Ever wondered why European sauces are generally packaged in smaller and bigger bottomed jars than their Oriental counterparts? Hmm…perhaps because they are usually thicker, with the exception of Worcestershire sauce maybe.

Then you have some that are absolutely unique like - ‘Vegetarian Oyster Mushroom Sauce’.  Ha….now that’s what I call a brilliant sales strategy. Look at it this way, on reading the word ‘Oyster’ a vegetarian / vegan would immediately turn the other way, but by prefixing the word ‘Vegetarian’, the sauce-manufacturer has caught the attention of the vegetarians / vegans. Now, at best the sauce will be purchased immediately and at worst, the vegetarian / vegan in question would at least come to know the name of the manufacturer while he / she is examining the list of ingredients on the jar.

However, the manufacturer’s ingenuity does not stop there, by inserting the word ‘Mushroom’ after ‘Oyster’ the manufacturer is conjuring images of a highly complex sauce made up of intricately chosen ingredients (like mushrooms!) to satisfy the taste buds of the consumer and all the while retaining its characteristic of being vegetarian. In essence, what the manufacturer is saying is that his sauce is not just any other ordinary oyster sauce or, any other ordinary vegetarian oyster sauce; it is a vegetarian oyster mushroom sauce. Phew! One gets tired just speaking out the name.

I have a theory. I think that the manufacturer’s sales strategy was to use the increasing number of pseudo-intellectual foodies as selling agents for this product. These pseudo-intellectual foodies (‘PIF’) include people who tend to comment on / critique on all food-related matters in great detail only in the presence of others. These PIFs would go about telling you how well-balanced a dal makhani was on their last visit to the Taj or how the breakfast at the Kempinski can be absolutely sinful and at the same time nutritious.

I can just imagine these people saying – “Oh so you’re a vegetarian huh! Well then, you just have to try this sauce I came across the other day. Absolutely fascinating you know- it’s a vegetarian oyster mushroom sauce. Can you believe it? I couldn’t till I decided to try and it and my God, it was just out…of…this…world you know. And you know why? Because not only do you get the flavor of oysters but you can actually taste the mushrooms….amazing isn’t it…oh and the best part is that it’s vegetarian! Ha ha ha. You must try it.”

Surprisingly, my theory doesn’t seem to be holding true. Not a single jar of Vegetarian Oyster Mushroom sauce seemed to have been purchased. Even during the time I was there, no one but me seemed to have noticed the sauce. It seems like those PIFs aren’t doing their job properly. Anyway, I think I’ve performed the job of a PIF by writing about the Vegetarian Oyster Mushroom sauce in this entry*.

After another few minutes of ambling about in the store I decided to head back home. After that strenuous walk of....5 minutes, I was greeted in the kitchen by my brother who at once began emptying the shopping bag. He expressed his relief when he saw the bottle of Ching’s Red Chilli Sauce, however, I couldn’t help but giggle at his bewilderment when he picked up another bottle from the bag and exclaimed, "What is this - Vegetarian Oyster Mushroom Sauce?" 

* Disclaimer:

Please note that the writer is neither recommending nor dissuading you, the reader, from purchasing any of the sauces mentioned above. As a consumer you have the right to choose and exercise your discretion based on information available about the product from a variety of sources and not just this blog entry. Further, this blog entry has not been written with the intention to influence your judgment and therefore the consequences, if any, of the decisions taken by the reader in purchasing or not purchasing any sauce or other such related food items, are solely the responsibility of the reader. No part of the reader’s decision or consequences thereof (especially if the consequences are adverse) can be attributed to this blog or its writer.

Festive rantings

Its been more than a month since I last wrote.....I mean...wrote on my blog that is. Cos otherwise I've been writing a lot you know.....primarily at work...but otherwise too you know, like writing down messages callers leave, making lists and other stuff.....but I digress.

So with the festive season drawing to a close and people slowly realizing they may have eaten a 'bit too many' sweets over the past few days, I thought the time was right to point out a few things I've observed about Diwali this time around. Call me a desi Ebenezer Scrooge, but I have slowly begun to grow less and less fond of Diwali with every passing year. Apart from the sweets and the three days of leave from work, I really don't think Diwali has anything else to offer. Have I gone crazy ? No. Hear me out or rather read me out and decide for yourself.

SMS

Don't tell me you don't receive tons of SMS greetings on Diwali. More often than not, people who you haven't spoken to for months or maybe years (sometimes deliberately so) suddenly start wishing and praying for your well being and prosperity. "May this festival bring you good health, prosperity and all that you desire.Have a Happy Diwali and a great new year ahead" was the most-received greeting for me this season. While its nice to know so many people are praying for your success, I have a problem with  people who send the second part of the greeting i.e. 'the new year wishes' part.
Now...whats with the new year wishes huh ? I mean which calendar do you people use huh? New Years is still two months away ok ! Well ok....fine...if you are one of those who still lives by the Indian calendar (n the 21st Century (you weirdo!) then why send another New Years Greeting on 1 Jan 2012 huh !?! By that logic why don't I get a New Years Greeting for the Chinese and Parsi New Year too huh ? and not to forget  the Mayan New year...well...maybe lets not get into the Mayan calendar its depressing enough. So what I'm driving at is this - kindly stick to one calendar and wish me according to that.

Crackers

I just hate loud crackers. I particularly dislike the Roman candles....or to use a more desi term - 'ladis'. Even as a child I restricted my arsenal of firecrackers to anaars, chakras, torches and phooljadis. I recall my peers stocking up with much more glamorous and seemingly 'macho' products such as - phook bombs, ten thousand ladi, whistling rockets and other firecrackers of mass disturbance. I disagreed with their choice then, now and shall continue to for many Diwalis to come.

I mean here I am trying to enjoy my holiday, trying to relax within the confines of my room and watch a football match (or even better play one on FIFA 2008), when all of a sudden - BANG, there goes one of those ladis. Obviously the work of an attention-seeking idiot trying to prove to the world how easily he can wreck an honest tax-paying citizen's peace and in the bargain derive some sadistic pleasure out of it. Now, not only does this BANG make me miss the match commentary (either on TV or on my laptop) but I have to  undergo the terrible inconvenience of displacing myself from my bed and spending 10 minutes of my precious holiday time in trying to calm down my dog, who has so effortlessly added to my frustration in this scenario by lending his bark to that idiot's cause. In the background I hear the commentator shout - "magnificent strike and equally magnificent save from the keeper! "

Excessive lighting

It is well known and widely accepted that we live in a hypocritical society. While on 26 March 2011 Indians were proudly switching-off their lights and even greater pride telling others that they had celebrated Earth Hour, on 26 October 2011 by putting up an assortment of lights (red, yellow, blue, green  and some that go on and off at regular intervals) those very people seem to have forgotten their resolve to conserve energy.

In fact during Diwali I've seen people compete with their neighbors by attempting to outdo the other in their lighting arrangements.I believe all this is done with the objective of coaxing Laxmi (the goddess of wealth) to enter their house to shower them with riches beyond their wildest imagination. Whether making one's house appear as an airstrip increases the chances of Goddess Laxmi arriving , I wouldn't know, but  what I do know is that, all that was accomplished in that one hour in March is undone 7 months later in October  faster than you can say 'Shubh Deepawali'. At this juncture, it is apposite to quote one of my favorite Dickensian characters who so succinctly put it - "Bah ! Humbugs !"

I end by saying that I am not against Diwali, I am merely against the way it is celebrated today. Don't get me wrong I really love the three day 'chhutti' from work and the boxes of sweets, but as I said at the start of this now very large blog entry, I don't think Diwali serves any purpose beyond that.

Wait...what is it that I hear you say....that Diwali is a very important religious festival ? Yes ! Surely it is ! But I must confess that deep down I really don't feel more religious on Diwali than I do on any other day. While the pooja and the bhajan-chanting brings in the religious element to the day's proceedings, I feel closer to God only when there is peace and tranquility in my immediate surroundings.

Also how do you expect me to feel religious or spiritual with so many 'unpeaceful' activities going on  huh? All those crackers bursting, my dog barking, the excessive wastage of electrical energy and the....wait.......wait.....uh-oh....I've got to go now....my mobile just rang (must be another SMS). Oh and before I leave, here's wishing you a very Happy Diwali and......um......hmmmmm...........uhhhh.......thats it actually......nothing else......I'll wish you a happy new year on 1 Jan cos I follow the English calendar. Cheerio!

A Cab-Critic comments on Andaz Apna Apna

After a lot of coaxing from a whole lot of people - primarily friends and work colleagues....I finally saw the movie which many regard as one of Bollywood's great productions, considered also, in some circles to be 'the most amazing Hindi movie'. Yes, if you haven't guessed even after reading the title of this post (pay attention yaar !) , the movie is none other than - Andaz Apna Apna.

Heralded as one of the all-time greats starring, inter alia - Aamir Khan,Salman Khan,Raveena Tandon, Karishma Kapoor, Shakti Kapoor and Paresh Rawal - the movie continues to have a strong fan base even in the second decade of the 21st Century.

Before I begin my analysis, let me start by giving credit to the film-makers for making the movie extremely gripping, as at no point during the running of the film was I bored or distracted (even by the loud construction work going on next door). The firm grip that the movie had, is worth applauding because while the ending of the film as pretty certain, I for one had made up my mind that if I like this film, it would be due to - its quick pace, interesting twists & turns and a generous peppering of comic scenes. And yes, Andaz Apna Apna or AAA delivered on all fronts and unlike the US debt rating the movie stays true to its title and gets a AAA from my side !

I do however, disagree with the film's music. Firstly, with the number of songs and secondly with the quality of songs. None of the picturised songs were anywhere even remotely close to the Bollywood songs of the 90's which I've come to love. The only bit of music which I appreciated was the instrumental tune which plays at the start, end and during certain scenes of the movie.

On the acting front - Aamir outclassed Salman in every scene. I particularly liked the scene when Aamir dresses up as 'Bade Mamu'. On the other hand, a lot many times I felt Salman was struggling with his character, perhaps because his character was not built strongly. It seemed that while a lot of thought was put into while building Aamir's character; Salman's character seems to have been rummaged out and put together in a hurry. I was disappointed because at the start of the film, I felt that Prem (Salman's character) had more potential as Prem was depicted as more 'aawara' and more of a film-buff than Aamir's character - Amar.

Despite his miniscule role in the film, hats-off to Jagdeep (he played the part of Prem's father - Bankelal Bhopali) who delivered a thoroughly brilliant performance. After a long time I saw a classic comic peformance with perfect timing and old-school expressions - especially in the scene when he is having a conversation with the new owner of his house. Great performances by 'Anand Akela', 'Raabert' and 'Bhalla'. Paresh Rawal, I think cannot give a bad performance at all.

Nothing much to say about the actresses - the performance was good, though I felt neither female character was challenging. In fact there is a flaw in Raveena Tandon's character as when she first appears at the airport she struggles to find proper Hindi words to complete her sentence and then later on...somewhat magically.. is able to speak fluently in Hindi. On a seperate note, the absence of an item number (which has become commonplace and sometimes sine qua non in present movies), was not missed at all.


Another minor flaw (after all a flaw is a flaw!) is that at the end of the movie Paresh Rawal while announcing the marriage he uses the words 'meri betiyaan' (my daughters) even when it is clearly explained that only Karishma Kapoor's character is the real heiress and Raveena Tandon's character is the daughter of Paresh Rawal's accountant.

But enough with the flaws, all and all a great movie, though I wouldn't put it right up there with my favorities, but definitely in my Top 20 list. I still maintain that no Hindi movie can beat SRK's Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naan. Call me biased, but KHKN in my view is paramount.

Before I end this post which happens to be the very first post on this blog - I would like to explain the meaning of the words 'cab-critic' appearing in the title of this post. I call myself a cab-critic because I have enthralled (maybe even sometimes irritated) a lot of my fellow cab-mates on quite a number of occasions, when films (from both Bollywood and Hollywood) are discussed thread-bare at the back of a Toyota Qualis at a quarter past eight in the evening. And now I intend to enthrall (or irritate) you with my somewhat unique take on not just movies but any topic / issue that spurts up in my mind because......mujhey kuch kahna hai ! :)